In late 2022, three of my clients separately started asking me if I thought they were Autistic.
“Autistic,” I thought. . . “Where is this coming from???”
Well, it was coming from social media, which I avoid and tend to distrust. And they shared links, and videos, and book recommendations, and for their sake I read, but skeptically because of everything I had been taught about Autism in graduate school (which was very little and as I now know extremely sterotypical). My clients were eloquent, empathic, self-aware people, and I had been taught (wrongly) that Autistics didn’t relate to other people, couldn’t hold eye contact, and were unable to empathize.
The more I learned about the current understanding of Autism and the more time I spent with Actually Autistic people through their writing, podcasts and videos, the more I thought. . . “Yes, you are Autistic. . . AND SO AM I. . . and so are MANY of my clients and friends!!!”
I learned that just like “birds of a feather flock together,” Autistic people often feel most comfortable with other Autistics, and so whole friend communities can be neurodivergent. I learned that it is valid to self-identify, and boy did I. I watched YouTubes and listened to podcasts and found my neurokin . . . the AuDHDers (combined Autism and ADHD, which can be a bit of a confusing presentation because the two conditions present differently and sometimes seem to hide or accommodate for each other). Because I was a therapist and did not want to risk misleading anyone, and because after a lifetime of masking I had lost trust in myself and tended to look for validation from others, I decided to get an official neuropsychological evaluation, which confirmed it. So at 48 years old, I finally had a very different way of understanding myself and my history.
I had been understanding my chronic dissociation, unpredictable pain symptoms, and hypervigilence as PTSD symptoms (see the chronic pain and dissociation portions of my website). Now I learned about “Meerkatting” and that my hypervigilence had to do with my monotropic thinking and my neurodivergent nervous system even more than with trauma (although I had been diagnosed with PTSD in the past and Autistics and ADHDers are more prone to develop trauma symptoms during their lifetime for a combination of reasons). . . and that much of my pain was actually medical conditions that often show up in neurodivergent people (see this great campaign from Dr. Mel Houser at All Brains Belong in Vermont). And I thought about all the people I’d been working with over the last ten years and wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. How much damage had I done by missing this crucial piece of the puzzle?!? How many others were undiagnosed, masking Autistics or ADHDers?
In February of 2023, I suffered another episode that in the past I would have referred to as a “PTSD flare-up,” but this time I recognized as an “Autistic Burnout”. I was wracked with pain and exhaustion, lost my impulse control and executive functioning, and my vision processing went haywire. It knocked me out of commission for awhile, and when I returned to work I had to reduce my hours significantly and make other changes to better support myself. Thanks to All Brains Belong, I was referred to specialists that actually understood my situation and were able to help me.
Over 18 months I worked with a hypermobility specialist physical therapist, a vision therapist, an occupational therapist, an acupuncturist, a psychiatrist, a ND affirming therapist, a disability services vocational specialist and met regularly with an affinity group (other AuDHDers I relate to). With the help of this support team, I’ve been able to figure out how to build a life that works better for me and is less likely to lead to another burnuot. None of it would have been possible without the incredible team at All Brains Belong, thank you neurodivergent affirming medical doctors!
I know that sounds like a lot of work, but what I’ve learned is that it really helps to get help! If you are resonating with what I’m saying here, live in Vermont or Texas, and are looking for a neurodivergent affirming therapist, I have officially crawled out from under my rock and am excited to work with you, honoring the ways your unique brain and nervous system function best!
Stop trying to fit your square peg self into a round hole. . . let’s make the holes square so you feel comfortable in your own life!
Feel free to text, call, or email if you’d like to connect.